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The 40 Absolutely All Time Best Witty Quotes

The 40 Absolutely All Time Best Witty Quotes. Witty Quotes are a source of wisdom in themselves and we have various. Oscar Wilde, Albert Einstein, Mitch Hedberg… These guys knew how to craft a hilarious one-liner. Here is a collection of some of our favorites.

witty quotes about life


I came.
I saw.
I made it awkward.


From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
– Winston Churchill


A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.


Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.


The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it’s limits.
– Albert Einstein


If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.


Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
– Mark Twain


Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?


The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
– Albert Einstein


witty quotes about life 2


Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.


Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
– Oscar Wilde quotes about witty quotes


saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong


There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
– Albert Einstein


Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.


It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen


The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.


If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.


witty quotes about life 3


Your ex asking if you can still be friends after a break- up is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch.


Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist,
while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.


If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.


I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
– Mitch Hedberg


I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.


Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone.


As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.


Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
– Ben Franklin


witty quotes about life 4


An intellectual solves a problem. A genius avoids it.
– Albert Einstein


If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.


A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.
– Bill Cosby


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
– Steven Wright

Those who believe in telekinetic, raise my hand.
– Kurt Vonnegut


Common sense is not so common.


For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
– Peter Drucker


witty quotes about life 5


I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.


Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking candy from a baby,” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.


You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer “yes” without having asked any clear question.
– Albert Camus


The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.


Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
– C. G. Jung


129% of people exaggerate.


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