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Funny Quotes

100 Witty Quotes – All Time Best

The 100 All-Time Best Witty Quotes. Witty Quotes are a source of wisdom in themselves and we have various. Oscar Wilde, Albert Einstein, Mitch Hedberg… These guys knew how to craft a hilarious one-liner. Here is a collection of some of our favorites.


All Time Best

I came.
I saw.
I made it awkward.

witty quotes about life

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
– Winston Churchill

famous witty quotes

A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.

witty quotes about self

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

witty motivational quotes

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it’s limits.
– Albert Einstein

witty quotes on life

If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

inspirational witty quotes

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
– Mark Twain

funny witty quotes

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

short witty quotes

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
– Albert Einstein

sarcastic witty quotes

Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

witty quotes about life 2

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
– Oscar Wilde quotes about witty quotes


saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong


There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
– Albert Einstein


Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.


It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen


The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.


If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.


witty quotes about life 3


Your ex asking if you can still be friends after a break- up is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch.


Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist,
while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.


If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.


I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
– Mitch Hedberg


I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.


Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone.

Famous Witty Quotes

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.


Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
– Ben Franklin


witty quotes about life 4


An intellectual solves a problem. A genius avoids it.
– Albert Einstein


If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.


A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.
– Bill Cosby


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
– Steven Wright

Those who believe in telekinetic, raise my hand.
– Kurt Vonnegut


Common sense is not so common.


For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
– Peter Drucker


witty quotes about life 5


I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.


Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking candy from a baby,” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.


You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer “yes” without having asked any clear question.
– Albert Camus


The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.


Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
– C. G. Jung


129% of people exaggerate.

Witty Quotes

1. “There will always be someone who can’t see your worth. Don’t let it be you.”

2. “When life hands you lemons make grape juice. Then sit back and watch as the world wonders how you did it.”

3. “Short funny quotes that will make you smile”

4. “A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.”

5. “The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.”

6. “I don’t know anything about music. In my line, you don’t have to”

7. “Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes”

8. “Logic will take you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere”

9. “I won’t belong to a club that accepts me as a member”

10. “I’ve learned so much from my mistakes… I’m thinking of making a few more.”

11. “Sorry. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.”

12. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn loader”

13. “The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.”

14. “Jewels seriously, I don’t know when exactly that ufo landed & dumped all these stupid people, but they aren’t coming back for them.”

15. “Nothing is impossible with the right attitude and a hammer.”

16. “My children love my mother, and I tell my children “That is not the same woman I grew up with… That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.”

17. “Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”

18. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven wright”

19. “The word ‘studying’ was made up of two words originally ‘students dying’.”

20. “I’m not going to get into a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone unarmed.”

21. “I’m not a stalker. I’m an unpaid private investigator.”

22. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. -Osca”

23. “Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.”

24. “People say you can’t live without love……. I think oxygen is more important.”

25. “Attract what you expect, reflect what you desire become what you respect, mirror what you admire.”

26. “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

27. “Some people just need a sympathetic pat… On the head… With a hammer.”

28. “Your journey has molded you for your greater good and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting life. It took every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now, and now is right on time”

29. “Sometimes I wish I was a bird… So I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads.”

30. “Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.”

31. “Seek to be worth knowing rather than be well known.”

32. “My circle is small because I am into quality, not quantity!”

33. “Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I often realize this after I’ve said them.”

34. “Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the opportunist.”

35. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

36. “If you saw a man drowning and you could either save him or photograph the event… What kind of film would you use?”

37. “Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the pool. She’ll scream and fight you, but secretly, she’ll love it. Hold her hand while you talk. Hold her hand when you drive. Just hold her hand. Tell her she looks pretty. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her. Protect her. Tell her stupid jokes. Tickle her, even when she says stop. When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Get her mad, then kiss her. Tease her and let her tease you back. Kiss her on the cheek. Kiss her on the forehead. Just kiss her. Let her wear your clothes. Go slow. Don’t push anything. When you fall in love with her tall her.”

38. “I got a dig bick. You read wrong. You read that wrong too. And you read the last sentence twice to make sure they didn’t troll you yet again.”

39. “Accept who you are unless. You’re a serial killer”

40. “I wish my wallet came with free refills.”

41. “Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice. Because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life.”

42. “The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.”

43. “Don’t underestimate me. I know more than I say, think more than I speak, & notice more than you realize.”

44. “Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”

45. “I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.”

46. “If you can’t convince them confuse them.”

47. “I am not weird I am limited edition.”

48. “Stress the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it.”

49. “When you are dead, you do not even know you are dead. It is only pain for others. Same thing when you are stupid. Puckology”

50. “I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.”

51. “Most people have “ah-ha moments just have “Oh for fucks sake, seriously!? Moments.”

52. “The most expensive thing in the world is trust. It can take years to earn & just a matter of seconds to lose “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you. -Friedrich nietzsche”


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