85 Funniest Quotes and Sayings That are Funny Words

Some of our favorite hilarious “Funniest Quotes and Sayings That are Funny Words.”

Whether you’re having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter is the best medicine — plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. Turn that frown upside down with these hilarious sayings about life, love, friendship, and work.

Funniest Quotes and Sayings

#1. “You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.”

#2. “Yesterday, I wanted cookies. Today, I am eating cookies. Follow your dreams.”

#3. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be 3 tacos, 2 margaritas, and an order of queso.”

#4. “I’m sweatpants on before 6:30 pm years old.”

#5. “I love sweatshirt season. Am I wearing a bra? Who knows. Am I wearing what I wore to bed under it? Maybe.”

#6. “Someday I reeses will solve my problems with critical thinking, but today it will be with chocolate.”

#7. “It’s beginning to look a lot like cocktails.”

#8. “I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.”

#9. “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise, it won’t be boring. Yourhomebo”

#10. “Behind every angry woman stands a man… Who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.”

#11. “What doesn’t kill you makes you…the proud owner of a bunch of unhealthy coping mechanisms and an alarmingly dark sense of humor.”

#12. “Yes, this messy bun took 28374 tries.”

#13. “Someone: name one thing you wanna try in the bedroom. Me: getting a full 8 hours of sleep.”

#14. “The most dangerous game to play: resting your eyes’ in the morning after turning off your alarm.”

#15. “Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. It’s called balance.”

#16. “It’s all fun and games until Monday rolls around and you have to put a bra back on.”

#17. “Do ittttt! – Me, encouraging shenanigans @rebel circus”

#18. “Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training.”

#19. “Don’t tell me to stop eating so many tacos. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.”

#20. “My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.”

#21. “Alexa. Skip to Friday.”

#22. “I’ve given up on getting a bikini body. The good lord put alcohol & carbs on this planet for a reason & I’ll be damned to let him down.”

#23. “If someone touches your soul, let them touch your butt.”

#24. “My favorite sport is a track… …ing my online orders.”

#25. “Safety 1st jk coffee 1st. Safety’s like 3rd or 4th cray crazy rich Asia necessary lies.”

#26. “Let your weird light …shine bright. So the other weirdos can find you.”

#27. “Coffee my hot friend I was telling you about.”

#28. “There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food -ron swanson”

#29. “69% Of people find something dirty in everything they read.”

#30. “I don’t care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.”

#31. “Always jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler. Cup of cheer.”

#32. “Be kind to everyone you meet. You never know who lost an argument with a 3-year-old today.”

#33. “Il e doyle 20 I wandered around Target for an hour and called it a long walk.”

#34. “If you wanna impress me with your car, it better be a food truck. Hello lovely studio”

#35. “As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I can be flexible.”

#36. “If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being thin for the rest of your life would you choose hard or soft tacos”

#37. “80% Health goddess, 20% cookie monster self.”

#38. “I want to pause adulting & lower the difficulty.”

#39. “On a scale of one to ten, how focused are you? Banana.”

#40. “I don’t flirt, I just talk. It isn’t my fault that everything I say is smoother than the cream cheese spread on your bagel.”

#41. “Diet tip: your pants never get too tight if you don’t wear any.”

#42. “Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.”

#43. “I’m not useless. I can be used as a bad example.”

#44. “If I die and my family goes through my phone. They’re gonna be like, “This nasty lil bitch was crazier than we thought”.”

#45. “Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family that I’m a gift.”

#46. “..on the bright side, I am not addicted to cocaine.”

#47. “You say “bathrobe.” “1 I say “casual wrap dress.’ 11 Let’s not get caught up in details.”

#48. “It was me, I let the dogs out”

#49. “I’m not a ride-or-die chick. I have questions where are we riding why do I have to die can we get food on the way.”

#50. “I wonder what the people who write “u” and “ur” do with all their extra time.”

#51. “On Sundays, my coffee is recreational. As opposed to weekdays when it is medicinal.”

#52. “Keep your dreams alive. Hit the snooze button.”

#53. “Don’t tell me to stop eating so many tacos. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.”

#54. “My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I know, right?’”

#55. “I didn’t see anyone today so I’m wearing this again tomorrow.”

#56. “I have a ton of excitement in my life. I used to call it to stress, but I feel much better now that I call it excitement.”

#57. “I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

#58. “I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.”

#59. “I can’t turn water into wine, but I can turn pizza into breakfast.”

#60. “You never realize how little self-control you have until the chips and salsa are in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.”

#61. “When is a taco-bod season because otinderonians I’m ready for that.”

#62. “That’s a horrible idea. What time?.”

#63. “Am still kinda mad about that one time u 2 put their new album on my phone without asking.”

#64. “During the day I don’t believe in ghosts at night I’m a little more open-minded”

#65. “I thought I was a good person but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise.”

#66. “I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.”

#67. “I’m in a good place right now. Not emotionally. I’m just at the liquor store.”

#68. “One of the weirder things about being an adult is having a favorite stovetop burner. Yet nobody talks about it.”

#69. “I doubt vodka is the answer but it’s worth a shot.”

#70. “New Year came out all looking like a warm chocolate chip cookie. Then one bite and bam. Oatmeal raisin.”

#71. “I want buns of steel but I also want buns of cinnamon”

#72. “Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house. Kushandwizdom.tumblr”

#73. “What a year this week has been.”

#74. “It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.”

#75. “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch 35k.”

#76. “I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

#77. “Sundays carbs don’t count. Those are the lord’s carbs and he wants you to be happy.”

#78. “I hate to cancel. I know we made plans to get together tonight but that was two hours ago. I was younger then, and full of hope.”

#79. “I spend 500% of my life exaggerating.”

#80. “I always carry a knife in my purse. You know, in the case of cheesecake or something. Be happy. me”

#81. “I’d be a terrible superhero. I’d see the signal calling in the sky from home and be like “I just sat down.”

#82. “The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.”

#83. “Sucks that coronavirus hit during allergy season. I’m over here like I can’t tell if I have 5 days to live or if I need to take a Claritin.”

#84. “If you have to force it, leave it. Relationships. Friendships. Yoga poses. Perfect ponytails. Let that shit go.”

#85. “We’re all brave in our way. For example, I am not afraid of raw cookie dough.”