Top 70 Funny Golf Quotes and One-Liners

Some of our favorite famous “Funny Golf Quotes and One-Liners.”

The true funniest golf quotes of all time are likely never put to paper and aren’t spoken by golfers or celebrities. Many of them contain words and phrases that are unable to grace this slideshow. With this in mind, here are the 70 funniest golf quotes of all time.

Funny Golf Quotes

#1. “I retired from competition at 28, the same age as Bobby Jones. The difference was that Jones retired because he beat everybody. I retired because I couldn’t beat anybody. – CHARLES PRICE”

#2. “All there is to putting is keeping the head steady and the face of the putter moving straight across the line to the hole. The problem is there are at least a thousand ways of doing these two things. TOMMY ARMOUR”

#3. “A birdie and a bogey are both one stroke away from par. So why is it that I get 99% of only 1% of the others? DAVID CHADBOURNE”

#4. “There are three kinds of golfers. The ones who can count and the ones who can’t. – MARC OSTROFSKY”

#5. “It speaks to how boring my life is that I’m not giving up this thing that causes me such misery. Nothing else interests me like golf. Nothing. I think golf is an addiction. I’m surprised there’s no Golf Anonymous. LARRY DAVID”

#6. “Golf has more rules than any other game because golf has more cheaters than any other game. CHARLES PRICE”

#7. “Golf is my therapy and also the reason I need therapy. PAIGE SPIRANAC”

#8. “BrilliantlyDumb. The best part about golf with your buddies is every one of you knows damn well the “jimmies” are not gummies. And we all agree it’s just best to not speak about that”

#9. “Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation. GRANTLAND RICE”

#10. “A good one iron shot is about as easy to come by as an understanding wife. – DAN JENKINS”

#11. “(always sa I always said you have to be smart or dumb to play this game well. I just don’t know where I fit in. – BETH DANIEL”

#12. “Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening – and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented. ARNOLD PALMER”

#13. “Golf is like life in many ways: The most important competition is the one against yourself. All of the biggest wounds are self-inflicted. And you get a lot of breaks you don’t deserve both ways. So it’s important not to get too upset when you’re having a bad day. BILL CLINTON”

#14. “Golf does strange things to other people, too. It makes liars out of honest men, cheats out of altruists, cowards out of brave men, and fools out of everybody. MILT GROSS”

#15. “My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in 18 years. LEE TREVINO”

#16. “Funny Golf Quotes Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees. BOB HOPE”

#17. “Golf and Sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. – JIMMY DEMARET”

#18. “The only thing you should force in a golf swing is Funny Golf Quotes the club back in the bag. BYRON NELSON”

#19. “Don’t worry. You’ll get to the green. The trick is getting there in fewer shots than the other guy. – MARC OSTROFSKY”

#20. “Fame is addictive. Money is addictive. Attention is addictive. But golf is second to none. MARC ANTHONY.”

#21. “ak A golf ball will always travel farthest when hit in the wrong direction. HENRY BEARD”

#22. “I don’t fear death but I sure don’t like those 3-footers for par. CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ”

#23. “Every missed shot is followed by at least one of these: 1. Could Have 2. Should Have 3. Would Have 4. Shit – MARC OSTROFSKY Funny”

#24. “It is as easy to reduce your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size. – HENRY BEARD”

#25. “When I was growing up, I always dreamed about being a golfer. Now I realize I should have been more specific. MARC OSTROFSKY”

#26. “I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them. HARRY TOSCANO”

#27. “Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap. BOBBY NICHOLS”

#28. “A golf course is a site to be holed. ANONYMOUS”

#29. “Golf is a game invented by God to punish guys who retire early. AUTHOR UNKNOWN”

#30. “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. LEE TREVINO”

#31. “Hannah Gregg @hannahbggg Guys can’t find the ketchup in the fridge but they can find a tiny white ball 300 yards into the woods.”

#32. “How can there be a 10-shot difference from one day to the next? I think that’s just the nature of this stupid game! TOM KITE”

#33. “I’m about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That’s the distance my left ear is from my right. BEN CRENSHAW”

#34. “FRIEND: My country club has a strict dress code bro please look presentable for our tee time. ME: 1 FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE @funnygollquotes”

#35. “The secret of golf is to turn three shots into two. BOBBY JONES”

#36. “Acting is like golf: analysis leads to paralysis. PETER FALK”

#37. “Do you know what it means to open up your scorecard and see pars and birdies? It means you’ve got the wrong scorecard. BRUCE LANSKY/1”

#38. “Golf swings are like snowflakes. There are no two exactly alike. – PETER JACOBSEN Funny”

#39. “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. DAVE BARRY”

#40. “Practice is the only golf advice that is good for everybody. ARNOLD PALMER”

#41. “A recent study has found that wives live longer than the husbands who try to teach them how to play golf. – MARC OSTROFSKY”

#42. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. MICKEY MANTLE”

#43. “Seven days without golf makes one weak. – AUTHOR UNKNOWN”

#44. “It’s funny…you need a fantastic memory in this game to remember the great shots and a very short memory to forget the bad ones. GARY MODD”

#45. “Golf is not a game of good shots. It’s a game of bad shots. -BEN HOGAN”

#46. “P-U-T” means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T” means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing. – AUTHOR UNKNOWN -”

#47. “Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn’t float very well. CRAIG STADLER Funny”

#48. “Watching my buddy suck at golf. *Watching my buddy still suck at golf 15 years later*”

#49. “It does look like a very good exercise. But what is the little white ball for? ULYSSES S. GRANT”

#50. “A great shot is when you pull it off. A smart shot is when you don’t have the guts to try it. – PHIL MICKELSON workday”

#51. “Golf is mostly a game of failures. TOMMY ARMOUR”

#52. “Funny Golf Quotes.com If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business. – JOEY ADAMS’S”

#53. “Golf giveth and golf taketh away, but it taketh away a hell of a lot more than it giveth. SIMON HOBDAY”

#54. “Golf teaches us that although patience is a virtue, slow play is not. MARC GELLMAN”

#55. “PRESS: As an avid fisherman…if you were stranded on an island for the rest of your life, would you rather take your fishing pole or Paulina if you had one choice? DJ: I can’t answer that question. Jord V GOLF OLF LIV GOU OLF LIV G funny golf quotes”

#56. “There are two keys to enjoying golf: Not to think or not to care. – CRAIG NAGLER Funny”

#57. “Golf is based on honesty, where else would you admit to a seven on a par three? – JIMMY DEMARET”

#58. “I played golf with a priest the other day… He shot par-par-par-par-par. Finally, I said to him, ‘Father, if you’re playing golf like this you haven’t been saving many souls lately. SAM SNEAD”

#59. “gave up golf for painting because it takes me fewer strokes. DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER”

#60. “Golf is like sex. When it’s good, it’s terrific. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. – ANONYMOUS”

#61. “I always say golf is like bicycle shorts. It reveals a lot about a man. – RICK REILLY”

#62. “If your putting is perfect, it’s just a phase – this too shall pass. DOMINIC NAPPI Owner of Back Nine Greens”

#63. “You can make a lot of money at this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works. LEE TREVINO”

#64. “I’ve heard people say putting is 50% technique and 50% mental. I believe it is 50% technique and 90% positive thinking. See, that adds up to 140% which is why nobody is 100% sure how to put it. CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ”

#65. “If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt,’ you might wish to reconsider this game. AUTHOR UNKNOWN”

#66. “DEMARET SNEAD Keep a close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt. SAM SNEAD”

#67. “Golfers’ games are typically medium because those that are well done are rare. MARC OSTROFSKY”

#68. “It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” — Hank Aaron

#69. “The game embarrasses you until you feel inadequate. BEN CRENSHAW”

#70. “Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism conducted out of doors. PAUL O’NEIL”